The Quest for Gandalf's hat
by Warlady
Summary: A lunatic fan ask help from a Fairy to go Middle Earth to gather an item for her collection. Little scene of slash, and some swearing
1. Default Chapter

Title: The Quest for Gandalf's hat  
  
Author: Warlady (warladykat@yahoo.com)  
  
Rating: NC-13  
  
Disclaimer: All the characters from the "Lord of the Ring" trilogy belong to J.R.R. Tolkien. The Fairy Folk belongs to Celtic and Gaelic Mythology. I'm not profiting with this writing and do it just for the love to Mr. Tolkien's books (and for my personal and your delight, of course!).  
  
Special Warnings: A little slash scene, some coarse words and lots of silliness. If you dislike slash, coarse language and stupid authors that insert themselves in their fics, don't go any further.  
  
Beta: Mayetra.  
  
Cast: The Nine companions of the Fellowship of The Ring, Robin GoodFellow (a.k.a. Trickster Fairy, a.k.a. Puck.), the lunatic author of this little fic (a.k.a. Kat) Timeline: The pass through Moria. Author's Note: I really need a life.  
  
Spoilers: None really.  
  
Summary:The risky adventure of traveling with a Fairy trying to collect an item from Middle Earth. Archive: Emerald Ink Well  
  
"So, what do you want this time?" Puck, the trickster Fairy asks me. He looks gorgeous as always, long locks of silver hair hanging past his shoulders, framing his pale elfin face. His slender body stands graciously inside the pentacle that I traced on my room's floor for my ritual. If only he wasn't smiling in that impish way he could be mistaken for an angel or an Elf. I wonder what is the link between Elves and Fairies? They look the same to me, but Fairies are far more magical than Elves.and far more cunning.  
  
"I summoned you, my Lord, because I ask a special favor from thee. Oh, mighty creature." He raises her hand to stop my invocation.  
  
"Oh, God, quit that Wiccan foolishness, girl! Maybe other Fairies fancy those old rituals, but I'm quite bored with them, plus you are not good at poetry, not even the slightest. Just spit it out, Kat!"  
  
He is so irreverent, tradition means nothing to him! I don't know why I care about all the details in my spells, he always acts the same. Well, it counts as an attempt in the magical realm, though my list of attempts grows wide, while my list of success grows thin. I watch him walk towards my bed; he sits unceremoniously and leans backwards, supporting his weight on his elbows. God, he looks so sexy!  
  
I bite my lip and push the lustful thoughts to the back of my mind. "Ok, Puck, I want to go to Middle Earth, to pick up a valuable item for my collection." That's it, clear and straight to the point.  
  
"You are not trying to collect Hobbits again? Are you?" He points at me with his accusatory finger, though his eyes glint in mock.  
  
"No, and I wouldn't do it again, my account is still at the brink of bankrupt. I never imagined those little things could eat that much. Now I'm looking forward to something less expensive to maintain, you know, something inert."  
  
"You are going to abduct Legolas?" he raises his beautiful eyebrow and smirks.  
  
"Legolas is not inert. Just because you tried to seduce him and failed doesn't mean he won't fall for someone else." Oops, I went too far with that! Rule number one, never tease Puck! He likes to play jokes, but hates to be the target of them.  
  
"Oh, yeah, someone like you, maybe?" He stands up and looks at me up and down. He walks around me and watches intently. Then he lifts one of my unruly hair locks with his fingers and wrinkles his nose disapprovingly, while I curse my shampoo and the genetics. After long minutes of pure anguish, he snorts, shaking his head. "Hopeless," he says and walks away from me, sitting again in my bed  
  
Well, a painful punch to my pride, but my body is intact, that's good.  
  
"Tell me now, what do you want, I'm not getting younger, and neither are you."  
  
"I want Gandalf's hat for my collection." I dare to say, swallowing my self-respect.  
  
"Gandalf's hat? Sheesh, Kat, get a life. Even the idea of capturing the Ice Queen from Mirkwood has more sense, at least you could use him as body guard, that is, if you had a body to be guarded," he looks at me out of the corner of his eye, disdain in his voice. Ouch, that hurts! It seems he won't forgive me so easily. Did I mention that I have an explosive temperament?  
  
"That is none of your business! I want the freaking hat, that's all!" I shut my mouth, though I think it's too late. Rule number two, never yell at a Fairy, especially to Robin Goodfellow; he is not so "Good fellow" when people yell to him.  
  
He fixes those beautiful eyes on mine, sweet Jesus! Now I know what they mean when they talk about predatory stare!  
  
"Careful, Kat, you are so close to crossing the line!"  
  
"Sorry." I mutter.  
  
"I can't hear you, could you please repeat it?"  
  
"Sorry, My Lord." I say, aloud this time, humility dripping from my words. I hate when he does this to me. But I want the damn hat, not to mention I don't want to be turned into a frog.  
  
"Ok, apology accepted. And now, back to business. We have to prepare ourselves for the travel," his voice has changed from murderous to joyful in a split second. There is no doubt about it, Fairies are the weirdest creatures.  
  
"You said we; are you going to go with me?"  
  
"But of course, I have to take care of my investment!"  
  
Right, investment, that's what he calls it. He has a different affair in every incursion to Middle-Earth. He loves to fuck Elves, male and female, though I think he prefers males. Last time we went to Lothlorien, in search of a piece for my collection, I discovered him in a steaming foursome with Haldir, Rumil and Orophin. I have to admit it helped to me, because they were err.distracted, and it was easy to steal an Elven knife from them. Now I have a beautiful Athame for my rituals, and he got his Elven ration of the month.week.day, whatever!  
  
I wonder if Robin would give me the chance to bed an Elf someday. The possibility is small, almost null and I'm the one to blame. I once commented to him that I hate Mary Sues, and he took it very seriously. So, anytime we go to Middle Earth, I travel wearing my old, imperfect and boring body; no abracadabra, no fighting skills, no breathtaking beauty, no perfect hair. I could ask him for some improvements, of course, as part of the deal, but I rather die than give him the chance to mock about me taking back my words about Mary Sues.  
  
*****  
  
Sweet Jesus! He gave me wings, he gave me wings! I couldn't believe it when he suggested it. He gave me a Fairy disguise for this quest. I have to admit that he didn't give me the complete package. I mean, I'm the old same me, but I have the ability to fly and make myself invisible, and my hair doesn't look so bad now. It's so good to have these incredible lovely wings attached to my back ; they are butterfly-like, but their edges ends are shaped like dragon wings, and they are deep purple (heavy metal, hmm ?).  
  
Robin explained me that the shape and color of Fairy wings depends in the personality of the Fairy. That raises a question in my mind: since he is such a queer, why his wings are not feathered and colorful? I prefer to keep this question to myself, and don't push my luck any further.  
  
"We have to fly close enough to see them and far away as not to be noticed by them. I'm afraid we have to be cautious, or the Elf will hear even the sound of our wings." Robin says this in an inaudible whisper, but I hear him quite well. It is only my imagination or did my hearing improve? So, it seems he gave me other Fairy skills.  
  
We finally reach our destination: the doors of Moria. We are close to the Fellowship, almost 500 feet from them .God, what is that stench?! My stomach flips and I ran away as far away as my legs and my self control can take me. I throw out my cookies noisily, and Robin pulls my hair out of the way, while his warm palm strokes my back.  
  
"Oh, poor dear, I didn't warn you about your Fairy senses! It seems that the Fellowship's reek was too much for your sensitive little nose." He is smirking in that now-we-are-even way.  
  
"It's impossible, how can Legolas stand this smell?" I claim, my nose still wrinkled and my throat soared.  
  
"It's quite easy, once you learn how to control your senses. You can block them if you need to, I imagine I can teach you, just to prevent another incident of this magnitude," he chuckles, (the bastard!) and helps me gain my composure, by giving me some water.  
  
"Ok, but better do it now, or I don't think I could go further in this quest."  
  
"You forgot the magic word."  
  
"Please!"  
  
"Now, that's much better!"  
  
*****  
  
Well, back to the business, Gandalf has finally figured out how to open the doors. And Robin has taught me the way to block my ultra sensitive senses. Good timing, because now that the doors are open, a foul smell attacks my nostrils again. All those rotten corpses and the air sealed inside the Mine. I turn my concentration to the hearing and sight senses and the stench lowers to a bearable level. I see how the Fellowship goes inside the mines and I remember suddenly the next part of this odyssey.  
  
The tentacles coming from the murky pond start to attack the companions, and Frodo is the monsters' main goal. I really want to help, but Robin grabs my arm and shakes his head. Yeah I'm only and observer here, I have not permission to interfere. Eww, that thing is really repulsive, my words are not eloquent enough to describe it. I wonder if Tolkien stole the idea from H.P. Lovecraft, because this damn beast looks too much like the Great Ktulhu.  
  
Robin drags me into the mines, while the Fellowship tries to save their skins. Incredibly, we glow in the dark, cool! But, then I ask, "Won't they see us, in this darkness and with this light?"  
  
"No, this light only can be seen if you want to show it. And they are not paranormal beings, remember, even Gandalf is using a human body."  
  
"But the Elf."  
  
"What about him? He has acute senses, but can't see auras. Trust me, I've been inches from him using this form and he has never noticed me."  
  
Inches, hmm? A sudden image of Legolas bathing himself, and Robin as close to him as to scrub his back, comes to my mind. Yes, of course, even if the Elf had declined the Fairy's proposal doesn't mean Robin would stay away.  
  
*****  
  
We are walking through darkness as thick as Cuban coffee; thank the Goddess for my own luminous aura. I really hate darkness. We are some steps behind the Fellowship, our stride as silent as snowflakes falling on grass. The Elf is the last in the row this time, it seems his blue eyes are going to pop out, they are so wide. Oh, the poor Elfling is afraid! The Dwarf walks in front of him, looking from side to side, his step is secure and even graceful in the darkness. I realize he can see better in the dark than the others, just like a cat.  
  
"Damn, I'm bored!" I complain. It's been so long since anybody said anything. They are so silent. All this silence is getting on my nerves.  
  
"Shhh, you jackass! In this void anybody can hear you, even the Dwarf." Robin's 'gentle' words had gone an octave higher than a whisper.  
  
At this 'lovely' remark, Gimli straightens his frame and looks oddly at the Elf.  
  
Legolas does the same, returning Gimli's stare.  
  
"You heard it too, Master Dwarf?" mutters the Elf, his eyes even wider now.  
  
"Aye, but I thought it was you. Don't worry, Master Elf, it might be only the lost echoes of past conversations. I have heard about it, Khazad-dûm is mined so deep inside the bone of Middle Earth that sounds return from its depths that were made years before, echoed again and again."  
  
I hear this and smile. Well we are in Middle Earth, anything is possible.or was it at the Labyrinth? Oh, never mind. I remember that movie, Labyrinth. David Bowie played the role of the wicked Goblin King and Jennifer Conely was the Mary Sue err.the heroine. The publicity said something like this "Where everything seems possible.and nothing is what it seems."  
  
The Elf is speaking to the Dwarf more confidently now, I think he feels safer beside Gimli; well, I would feel the same, better to tag to the heels of those who know the surroundings.  
  
They stop suddenly, before an arcade with three entrances. Now what? Oh, yes, the old wizard didn't remember the way. I stop as well, and all of a sudden something hits me from behind and I fall to the ground. I am crushed against the floor by a death weight and I notice that there is a tall Fairy flattened over my back. I am about to curse him in a colorful manner, but he places a hand against my mouth tightly.  
  
"Shh, sorry I was distracted, keep your mouth quiet or you will blow our cover," he whispers softly in my ear from behind, his body's front still pressing me to the floor.  
  
And I shudder! Hell, I shudder noticeably! How could I avoid it, anyway, with a beautiful, lean Fairy atop me?  
  
"Oh, Kat, I never thought you liked me that much!" he whispers again in my ear, and I can feel him smiling.  
  
He can be so annoying! I push him away and climb to my feet, still flushed to the roots of my hair, and mumbling blasphemies quietly.  
  
"Don't be ashamed, witchy girl I have that effect on the people."  
  
I don't say a thing, but glare at him. Weird, he has a strange gleam in his green eyes, something I had never seen before.  
  
****  
  
Next time I'll bring a book. I've been here more than an hour watching this bunch of morons sitting in total silence. Aragorn has pulled his cloak over his face and is in a meditative stance, but I'm sure he is snoring. Boromir has wrapped his cape around him and he is bluntly and soundly sleeping. The Hobbits are hungry -surprise, surprise!- but, it seems they have finally understood that complaining is useless. Gandalf is sitting there, looking at the three gates, Frodo is at his side, talking in a low anguished voice that unnerves me even more than the quietness of the others. Only Gimli and Legolas - they are some feet away from the others and behind some rocks- are talking animatedly, maybe too animatedly.  
  
Robin is close to them both, watching intently and in total stillness. One could swear he is a statue, if it wasn't for the deep flush covering his face. Wait a minute! What could be so interesting in that dark corner of the mine?  
  
I walk over to him and I realize why he had been looking at them all this time.  
  
The Elf and the Dwarf are kneeling face to face, their faces merely inches from each other's. I notice how the short arm of Gimli slides slowly inside the front of Legolas' breeches and starts moving in a very distinctive way.  
  
I feel the rush of blood running to my face, and I'm sure I'm red as a tomato.  
  
Robin looks at me and smirks impishly; his eyes are dark with lust.  
  
"It's not polite to watch them. I'm going," my own voice betrays me as it breaks at the end of the sentence.  
  
"Stay, Kat, don't act naive with me, I've already read some of your fanfictions."  
  
Cursed Fairy! But he is right, Gimli and Legolas pairing are my favorite, how could I miss this chance to see one of my twisted fantasies in Technicolor and stereo -where available-. The light in Khazad-dum is scarce, almost nonexistent, but the enhanced senses given to me let me see the scene like it was surrounded by a dim light.  
  
It seems Legolas is enjoying it too much, because he has closed his eyes and his breath is quickening. God, he is beautiful! His pale flesh is flushed, and his lips are barely parted.  
  
Gimli is looking at him carefully, a small smile drawn on his bearded face.  
  
It's amazing how this is noticeable to Fairy senses, even with the insufficient light and all the hair around his mouth. Wow, the sounds that are escaping the Elf's throat are so enticing, though I figure none of the Fellowship are able to hear them. Damn, I'm melting, and they have just begun!  
  
"Now I know why he rejected my offering. It seems he is in love with the little furry guy. I can't blame him, though, one of my cousins in Avalon has told me that the Dwarves' axes are really a sight." Robin is so indecent, how he can ruin this moment with his remark?  
  
Oh, but I'm having such a good time! The Elf is now bracing himself, his elegant hands tightly grasping the Dwarf's shoulders, some strangled words comes out his luscious lips. I don't understand what he is saying, it has to be Elvish.or his brain is lacking blood and can't connect properly with his tongue.  
  
Robin, chuckles, and presses a hand against my temple. Suddenly I understand the words.  
  
"Oh, God, this is so good! More, more, I am such a slut, I want to be your whore, Gimli!"  
  
What a surprise, the Elf loves swearing when he is at it! I smile, who could imagine that?  
  
All of a sudden he stiffens (yeah, I know he is already quite stiff, but I mean his entire body), and he produces a high-pitched cry, while he shudders and collapses into Gimli's protective arms.  
  
"Now, I can die happy. But something is disturbing me, with that loud cry why haven't the others come here to investigate what's the matter?" I ask to Robin, he is not as flushed now, though his eyes glow with that weird spark I saw before.  
  
"No, they didn't hear it, only you and me, and maybe Legolas, if he was not so enthralled I mean. That yell was far beyond the range of human hearing. In fact, the Elf Prince came really hard, it seems Dwarven hands are not only skilled in carving stone. Maybe I'll try to bump a Dwarf some day."  
  
I roll my eyes at him, and then look at the lovers. Legolas is recovering from his orgasm slowly, while Gimli is rubbing his back tenderly.  
  
"Ah! That is the right one! " The wizard's words startle me, and the companions of the Fellowship, too.  
  
Gimli kisses Legolas briefly on the lips and helps him to stand, though the Elf's legs seem to be a little weak.  
  
"I will reciprocate this to you, I promise, my love, as soon as we reach Lothlorien's glades." Legolas whispers softly to Gimli, and they both walk towards the rest of the Fellowship.  
  
"You know I'll add some extra credit to your bill, Kat, you came here for a hat and look what you got, a live show of "Pairing the Elf with the Dwarf."  
  
"Do as you want, I think it's fair," I say this nonchalant, his price is very low, for such an incredible service. We walk some steps behind the Fellowship.  
  
******  
  
What a mess! Orcs' heads and arms flying everywhere, blades up and down, and the stinky, awful, terrifying.I run out of words for that Mountain Troll, smashing his club against the floor and anything that moves.  
  
My blouse is stained in black blood, I've been almost killed twice and all because an old ragged grey hat.  
  
But I don't cease in my quest. I reach for the damn hat for the fifth time, a forest of legs moving around me, suddenly someone kicks it away. I crawl towards it and it is booted away again. It's been like this for the last five minutes, the longest five minutes of my life. I've seen this in a couple of movies, but I never thought this would happen to me ever. Robin is floating over the battle, as far away as the ceiling lets him. "Help me, Robin!" I shout at him. The uproar of the battle doesn't let the fighters pay attention to me. A single cry in an ocean of noise can't be easily noticed.  
  
"No, I don't like the sight of those swords, neither the spears." He glides a little lower in the air, but keeps himself safe.  
  
At last, when all the Orcs had been slaughtered and the good guys run to help Frodo, I take the pointy hat from the ground; amazingly it doesn't stinks as I have supposed it would. Robin had told me that if I touched anything while using the winged form, it would become as invisible as I am. This is good, I imagine the Fellowship's terror at the sight of a floating hat.  
  
Robin glides down to me and grabs me by the wrist.  
  
"Ready to go?"  
  
"Can we stay a little longer? I want to see the Balrog."  
  
"No we can't, the deal was to collect the hat, that's all. And besides, you wouldn't like the Balrog, believe me."  
  
******  
  
"Isn't it the most beautiful hat you have ever seen?" I ask, while placing it on my head; it sinks past my eyes and is barely stopped by my nose.  
  
"Maybe if you stuff it with toilet paper it would fit." Robin laughs; he likes it when I make a fool of myself, which happens very often by the way.  
  
Now my Fairy disguise has been removed. Pity, I liked the idea of going to the movies for free.  
  
"Well, I think is time for you to pay, Kat, do you have my fees?"  
  
"Sure, wait a minute." I leave the room and go to the kitchen. I return with a tray of homemade cookies, oat with chips of chocolate. Yes, that is what he always asks for payment. It seems chocolate is not easy to acquire in Avalon, and King Oberon doesn't let his dear people roam around the human cities in search of such pleasures.  
  
"Oh, I love you when you bake these for me, Kat!" he is almost jumping with happiness, it makes me feel so joyful myself.  
  
He takes the tray and bows to me. He snaps his fingers and the cookies disappear, he has told me that they are teleported to his personal quarters at the palace.  
  
I'm ready to see him disappear, following the track of his beloved snacks, when he smirks at me wickedly.  
  
"And, about the extras in your bill, I would ask you for something very special." Oh, I forget it, yes the Legolas-Gimli thing. I wonder what he would ask me for, brownies maybe?  
  
He walks towards me and before I can say a word he has trapped me in a tight embrace and is kissing me in the most magical way. When he finally releases my mouth I look at him in total shock. I know now the meaning of that strange gleam in his eyes.  
  
"No brownies then." Damn, how is that I always say the most stupid things in the most important times?  
  
"No, no brownies this time, maybe just a little of sugar." He replies, his hands moving a little lower in my back than it can be called a friendly touch.  
  
"But, what you told me about me, and the Elf, and I having not a body to be guarded."  
  
"Well, I'm not an Elf, bonny, and I feel very attracted by hopeless cases like you."  
  
What kind of compliment is that? I don't know, and seconds later it doesn't matter either, I won't miss the chance to be offended by this beautiful Fairy anytime of the year, if it makes me feel as heavenly as I'm doing right now.  
  
THE END? 


	2. Chapter two: My Kingdom for his arrow

Title: My Kingdom for his arrow  
  
Author: Warlady  
  
Fandom: Celtic Mythology / LOTR Rating: R Disclaimer: Puck belongs to Celtic Mythology (I wish he belongs to me). The Fellowship of the Ring belongs to His Majesty sir J.R.R. Tolkien. Thanks to him for providing fuel for mine and thousands of others imaginations. I'm not profiting with this little piece of writing, only trying to make you, my readers, smile briefly. Special Warnings: A little scene of slash, and heterosexual intercourse. Mary Sue Alert (kind of), if you don't like lunatic author self-insertions, don't go any further. Beta: Mayetra Cast: Haldir, Rumil, Orophin, Legolas (*drools*) and Gimli. Robin GoodFellow (a.k.a. Puck, the trickster Fairy), the lunatic author of this fic (a.k.a. Kat). Timeline: After the pass through Moria. Some scenes happens in my room. Author's Note: Questions, comments, and reviews, please e-mail me (warladykat@yahoo.com).  
  
My kingdom for his arrow  
  
I turn on my bed and look at the dim light provided by my lamp. This is a night to remember, like the night before, and the night before that. I don't mind if I practically have to sleep on the edge of my bed, as Robin is using the rest of the mattress.  
  
He rolls on the bed and presses his front to my back. Goddess, he is hot, even his feet are warm. He passes his lean arm around my waist and pulls me even tighter in his embrace.  
  
"Are you still awake, my dear? Who would imagine? You still have energy for another round?" He whispers in my ear, his hot breath tickling my neck.  
  
"I was just thinking."  
  
"No good, it could give you weird and wild ideas. wait! Keep on thinking, the weird and wild ideas are not so bad now that I consider them more closely," he says in a husky voice I know so well.  
  
"It's not that, I was thinking about Legolas."  
  
He jumps at this remark and sits up straight on the bed. "You what? Come on, Kat, and I was trying to keep only you in my mind when we were at it!"  
  
"No, silly, I was not thinking about him like that. I was just remembering all the lost arrows in Moria. I would give anything to have one of those!"  
  
"You keep on obsessing and someday the guys in white will take you to the nutty house." He lay again behind me, and starts to nibble the skin on my nape  
  
"No, seriously. Imagine this, one of those lovely arrows next to Gandalf's hat, there on my counter."  
  
"And what about this lovely arrow inside you?" He pushes inside with a single movement and I gasp. Lascivious fairish imp, he is ready again so soon! "Oh, there you go, my dear." He pushes and withdraw, my mind already spinning in the clouds. "I think." pushes, "this arrow." pulls out, "you won't." push, "put it." pulls out, "on the counter".  
  
*****  
  
Lothlórien, the Golden Woods, home of Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel. and the three most yummy Marchwardens in Middle Earth.  
  
We just arrived on the borders to have an encounter with them. I lay my eyes on them and I can do nothing but stare like an idiot , my mouth open and my eyes watering in want. How could one possibly be blessed with such vision?  
  
Robin closes my mouth and go to greet them.  
  
Robin keeps getting too close to them and even steals little pecks from them when he thinks I am not looking. But I am not feeling resentful in the least, those four guys looks so good together. Images of their last encounter cross my mind, I think the heat is increasing, because I feel quite warm.  
  
"Knock, knock, is there somebody in there?" Robin's knuckles hitting on my forehead, and the jolly laughter of the Elves bring me back to Earth.  
  
"Hey, stop it!"  
  
"Why, my dear what impish thoughts are crossing your dirty little mind?" He asks. His companions laugh even louder.  
  
"You can not read my mind, so why do you think I am having naughty thoughts?"  
  
"Because I can smell your smutty brains scorching." He joins the Elves in laughing with his sniggers.  
  
"Oh, really? But, Robin, you didn't tell me we were going to camp."  
  
"Camp? What do you mean, sweetheart? We are in Lothlórien, we will sleep in talans."  
  
"Then, why are you setting up your tent?" I look intently at his straining leggings. Obviously he had miscalculated the effect the kisses he stole were having on him.  
  
"Oh, bugger!" He replies and looks down at himself in surprise.  
  
At this, the three Marchwardens explode in laughter.  
  
"If I were you I would hold the mockery, after all, you are not in a better state than Robin." I look at their crotches, all of them are quite aroused, for I can see their erections even through their tunics. "Specially you, Haldir of Lórien, one could lodge twelve people in your tent." This time it is my turn to laugh at them. Four platinum blondies blushing in embarrassment. Isn't it just delicious?  
  
*****  
  
The Marchwardens are guiding us to Caras Galadon. We are going to stay with them for a couple of weeks until the Fellowship of the Ring arrive. In fact, the break in their work at the borders is like a kind of vacations.  
  
Robin explains to me that the Galadrim change the guardians from time to time, to let them have some rest from the solitude of the frontiers and return to them with more energy.  
  
"I wish my boss would gives me vacations in such a way."  
  
"Well, mellon-nin, your work is not as hard as ours, is it? I do not think you have to kill Orcs back at Avalone," says Orophin. He supposes I am a Fairy, because Robin gave me a magical disguise again. This time I look more Fairish than I did the last time I traveled here, I have pointed ears, my face is more stylized and my skin feels so soft that I wish to stay like this forever. Though, even with these improvements, I am not as beautiful as Robin by far. Seems he is selfish, and somebody else being the center of attention is something he could not bear.  
  
"So, here we are, home!" announces Rumil.  
  
Holy Goddess! I gasp in wonder. The forest is beautiful, golden leaves and silver trees. The grass is so soft that I feel the temptation to remove my boots and walk over it barefoot, and the flowers, oh, I want a garland made with them.  
  
[Welcome to Caras Galadon, children of Tol Eresëa, our home is your home] a voice speaks inside my head and I shudder.  
  
Robin looks at me, smiling; tilting his head towards mine he whispers in my ear. "Do not be afraid, it is Lady Galadriel."  
  
"She knows we are here?"  
  
"Of course she knows, she is Lady Galadriel! Though this disguise can fool even her, she can't read your mind, because I shielded you with my spell."  
  
"Thank you so much. It wouldn't be healthy if she realizes that I think she is an annoying bitch for using her gifts to read another peoples' minds."  
  
"I wouldn't worry about it, most of the people think the same."  
  
"Hey, you are delaying us," Haldir complains, looking at me with his fair eyebrows forked as I was a mere worm. This attitude and arrogance really are upsetting. But I imagine he is still angry about the tent joke.  
  
"All right, all right, I am coming." I sigh and walk faster.  
  
As I pass Haldir's side, he inclines towards me and whispers in my ear, "Hum, I wonder how you sound saying that last when you are really coming!"  
  
I jump in surprise, some strange tingles running from my neck, through my spine.  
  
He, his brothers and Robin laugh of me. Damned Elf!  
  
*****  
  
How could somebody imagine a house on a tree would look like this? When Robin talked to me about talans, I was prepared for a simple platform in the highest branches. But, oh, this is no mere house, this is a Mansion!  
  
"Well, do not stay there just looking up like a dummy, grab a rope and climb."  
  
Haldir's words startle me and I look at how Robin climbs a rope ladder, as agile as a cat. Though, I am not a cat.  
  
"Haldir, do not be so discourteous, she is a lady. You do not expect her to climb the ladder as if she were a male, do you?" Orophin comes in my rescue.  
  
"Well, a Fairy from the Shadowy Woods can be as agile as a feline, from what Robin told us," the arrogant Elf keeps his pose, looking at me with a mocking grin on his impertinent face.  
  
"Oh, please, Haldir!" Rumil rolls his eyes and climbs up to the house in a few seconds.  
  
Then, I see a little cubicle being lowered to the ground, hanging from a thick rope.  
  
"Step inside, Kat," said Orophin and as I step inside he follows me and encircles my waist with a protective arm. I melt at the touch, even though I see he is doing it to keep me balanced. "Now, Rumil!" he shouts.  
  
Suddenly I feel the cubicle is being swiftly pulled up. I yelp in surprise and hold on to the Elf at my side. During our fast ascent I see a heavy sack passby us. We stop at a lower platform, just six feet under the principal 'door'. The latter happen to be a squared hole in the floor. Now that the cubicle is immobile I untangle my arms from Orophin, who chuckles, amused at my embarrassment. I notice that the system of the Elevator is quite simple, some pulleys and a counterweight.  
  
From the platform we climb a wooden staircase and emerge in a wide chamber.  
  
"Hello, again!" greets Rumil. "Did you enjoy the ride?"  
  
"Err." I mutter, while I wait for my stomach to get down from my throat.  
  
"I see, no wonder, we have to fix it, it is not supposed to move so fast. Though, we never use it, and not many females comes upstairs. Not that we complain, if you know what I mean."  
  
"Rumil! There is no need to explain the whole situation, if you please, she is a lady!" Orophin says scandalized. Funny, I never imagined someone so pale could get so blushed.  
  
"Where is Haldir?" asks Robin.  
  
"He is still on the ground, let him use the ladder rope." Rumil grins evilly and puts a warm palm on my shoulder.  
  
***** I feel tired, so I ask for a place to rest. In no time I dress with the nightgown Rumil gives me. This attire is suspiciously too wide and long to fit a female, even an Elven one, so I suppose it belongs to one of the Marchwardens. Most probably to Rumil, since I can't imagine Haldir using a silky nightgown with cuffs and neckline adorned with lace. Well, I actually can imagine it, but it is something that gives me urges to laugh out loud. Besides, Rumil seems to be one of those kind of guys who delights in the fine art of dressing like females.  
  
Orophin explained to me that this house belonged to his parents. When they passed away, he, Rumil and Haldir were taken to live among the royal family. But once they grew up, they returned to this, their childhood home, and repaired it. A huge house, to accommodate a huge family, for a family with three children happens to be a big one by Elven standards. As I lay on the bed, looking up the beautifully carved ceiling of the chamber, I sigh. This is a palace no doubt. Even this chamber, designated to lodge visitors, is as big as my house. The bed is four posted, and the pillars are four higher branches of the tree, that came from the ground and disappear through the ceiling. I think that this bed would not creak like mine back home, when I am in a good match of lovemaking with Robin.  
  
It's evening and Robin is in the kitchen dining with Rumil and Orophin. Haldir is out of the house, giving his reports to Lord Celeborn. He is still mad with his brothers for leaving him at the bottom of the tree to go up using the ladder. I assume he is mad with me as well.  
  
'Oh, let him be mad with me, I don't mind, as long as Robin, Orophin and Rumil are not mad, I am fine' I think and start to feel drowsy.  
  
*****  
  
Holy Goddess! I wake up startled. I was having a very steamy dream, not to mention it was a quite realistic one, moans and sighs included. I may still be dreaming, because the passionate sounds are still ringing in my ears. Though, I pinch my arm and find out I am really awake, so.Yes, somebody is making love, and if my pointy Fairish ears are not deceiving me, there are more than two at it.  
  
I get out of the bed and tiptoe out of the chamber, crossing the dark corridors and following the sounds. It seems I slept a good deal, because it is night already. When I reach the east wing of the house, I notice the sounds are coming from the brothers' chambers. Go figure. Using my most light step, which is a soundless one giving my Fairy gifts, I approach the room and look through the half-opened door. I have to suppress a gasp of awe. For the three Marchwardens, and my beloved treacherous Robin are practicing the old 'choo-choo train', Elven-Fairy style.  
  
Haldir, who happens to be the engineare using a pillar of one of the beds as support. Robin is the second car plunging deeply into Haldir, Rumil is right behind Robin, and last but not least, Orophin, whose rear I have the delight to see in all its naked splendor. My, my, where is my camera when I need it? If this is not a Kodak moment, I can't say what is. Oh, Goddess, aren't they just cute, delicious and pervert? Four beautiful males, making love, sweating and moaning like crazy. Forget the camera, I need a video recorder. I stand on the spot, glued to the floor, and notice that if they were a real train there would be steam streaming out their ears. As they move faster, moan louder and scream in Elven, English, and even a couple of curses in Dwarvish, I realize they are about to peak. 'Oh, Goddess, forget the video recorder, I want to have a cock!' I think. They surprisingly culminate, all at the same time.  
  
I withdraw some steps into the darkness and try to keep my breath calm, which is difficult due the incredible display I just watched.  
  
"Oh, my, Robin!" says a breathless voice I recognize as Haldir's.  
  
"Are you guys always so loud, even close to the civilization?" asks Robin, his voice is uneasy as well.  
  
"Only if the pleasure is asmuch as this." Rumil replies in a whisper, then he adds, "Oh, my, look at Orophin, the poor lad passed out!"  
  
"I did not, I was just catching some air." Orophin's words sound tremulous, and one could say he is pouting like a baby.  
  
I feel the urges to say "Awww!" but bite my lips.  
  
"Robin, your friend will not feel bad? I mean, we left her out of this, not to mention you told us she was kind of a true love for you " says Rumil, I hear true concern in his voice.  
  
Did Robin tell them I was kinda a true love? Now that is a surprise. But I better move away as fast as I can, before they notice I am spying on them.  
  
I walk away, keeping my steps light, but damn if I can see anything in this darkness. I don't remember the way to my chamber. Well, the better option is to walk away in the opposite direction from the Elves' chambers. So I do it, but I have not walked ten steps when suddenly the emptiness opens under my feet. I fall, but on my way through I grab the wooden edge of the door. Damn, somebody left the door opened, so if I can't climb up, I will fall from a hundred feet tall tree. I do not have to think hard to realize I am deep in shit to my neck. So, I start my efforts to pull my body up over the edge, but before Inotice, two feet stand on either side of my knuckles. As I look up I see a very naked Haldir standing before me, his arms crossed over his broad chest. The scarce light of the moon bathes his beautiful body, but I can say I enjoy the view, despite my situation.  
  
"Are you going somewhere, dear?" he says, a smug smile on his lips.  
  
"Please, help me," I whisper, swallowing my pride.  
  
"I cannot hear you, could you please repeat that."  
  
The hell with him, but I feel my fingers slipping from the difficult grip and I don't want to turn into a bloody pulp in the middle of Caras Galadon. "Please help me!" I repeat, louder this time.  
  
"And what are you going to give me if I save you?" he says, stepping away from my knuckles and kneeling at the door's side.  
  
"What?" I spit, what does he think is this, a kind of game?  
  
"What are you going to give me in exchange for saving your life?"  
  
Oh, Goddess, is that an erection I am seeing? Yes, this pitiful bastard is having an erection watching my suffering. Stupid sadomasochist, if I ever have the chance I will bite his balls off. Oh, yes, that's it! "Save me please, and I will give you a blow job."  
  
"A what?"  
  
Clearly I tend to forget Elven correctness with speech. "A fellatio session."  
  
"Oh, that is something very tempting!" He bends towards me and grabs my wrists. He pulls me up and while I am placing one of my knees on the edge he says, "Though I do not think it is enough." And he lets my wrists go.  
  
I scream my lungs out in terror, but I hit the floor with my butt much to my surprise. Suddenly my memory is clear, and I remember the small platform just below the talan's floor. Then, I was not in danger, and Haldir knew it!  
  
I collect my broken dignity and run up the stairs, Haldir will pay for this dearly.  
  
*****  
  
Two weeks fly fast when one is having fun. And even though I still feel angry remembering the incident of my falling into darkness, I am having so much fun. Orophin and Rumil are teaching me how to aim and shoot arrows. The right position and things like these are not fun, but the moment when one of my arrows hit Haldir in his arrogant butt "by accident" was one of my moments of pure joy.  
  
Robin is helping me to develop a plan to get one of Legolas' arrows for my collection. He is confident that I can even get the lovely bow as well, and I can't wait for the Fellowship to arrive so I can put into practice the strategy.  
  
Finally, when the Marchwardens had to return to the borders, we went with them.  
  
I have to admit that the talans we use to rest near the borders are simple platforms, and I feel uneasy since there are no walls. But it is quite great to shoot Orcs from the high branches, and hear them scream like sissy girls when they do not know what are hitting them.  
  
The Fellowship arrives on time, and I am among the Elves that help to "welcome" them. Lucky me, I am the one aiming my arrow to Legolas back. Goddess, he has a cute little butt!  
  
They walk blindfolded, and I even have the chance to steal a soft pinch of Legolas' beautiful rear.  
  
He yelps in surprise. "Hey, quit that, that is not the proper way to treat a cousin, and certainly not a suitable manner to deal with a Prince from Mirkwood." Robin looks at me suspiciously. Is it jealousy what I see in his green gleaming eyes?  
  
We arrive at Caras Galadon, where Lady Galadriel is waiting for them. Luckily I am not invited to join Haldir and his brothers in this mission. No matter what Robin says, I don't want to be anywhere near the Elven Lady and her magic ring. To my point of view, and by Gandalf's words, the rings of power are quite dangerous tokens and not many people should stay in possession of one of those for much time, Elven Queen or not.  
  
When they come out from the audience, I notice the paleness on everybody's faces. Though Boromir looks like he just saw a ghost. Poor guy, looking at him I could even feel the tension growing. He is so stressed.  
  
On the other hand, I can't say Aragorn looks troubled. Not that I can see a thing under the layer of filth that cover his body and face.  
  
The Dwarf, well, he is spellbound, and Legolas seems to be not so joyful noticing his "friend" has the hots for the Golden Lady.  
  
"Well, my dear, time to start the game. For my plans, it is quite easy. We wait until Legolas is at it with the Dwarf and we steal the bow and the arrows. The Elf won't say a word, because that would mean he blows his cover. And besides, he supposedly leaves Lothlorien with a new bow, gift from Galadriel. So, we will not mess the story up greatly." Robin says while he is watching the Fellowship from one of the higher branches. Now we are using our Fairy abilities to watch and not be seen.  
  
"Are you sure we are not allowed to save Boromir?"  
  
"Yes, I am sure, we can't save him. Why?"  
  
"Because I really feel sorry for him. I mean, look at him, now that he is closer he looks so hot. It would be a waste to let the Uruk-hai kill him!" Weird, at these words Robin's face contorts in a strange grimace, and I could swear he muttered a curse under his breath.  
  
*****  
  
"I can't believe it, they are fighting again!" exclaims Robin, perched in a branch opposite to mine.  
  
We both are sitting under the high canopy of a Mallorn, spying on Legolas and Gimli.  
  
The Elf is on the brink of tears while the Dwarf is talking to him with soft yet belligerent words.  
  
It is the same old tale, Legolas is jealous because Gimli's eyes fill with light everytime they lay on Galadriel.  
  
Gimli tries to explain to his beloved that his heart belongs to him, but that he can't cease having a strong feeling of devotion for the Golden Lady.  
  
"Devotion? What do you mean devotion? I know you want her, you desire her like you once desired me. You cannot fool me, Gimli, my senses are clever enough to tell me about your longing for Lady Galadriel. Or do you think my nose cannot catch the scent of your arousal when she is near?" Legolas is restraining his tears now.  
  
"You are as dense as a stone, Legolas, if you smell such scent, is because you are near as well," Gimli's voice is losing some of its former calm, becoming more edgy.  
  
"Do not say more, leave me alone, please, before I decide to pin your deceitful self with my arrows."  
  
Gimli opens his mouth to reply but decides to keep his retort unspoken. He turns around and leaves the glade, muttering blasphemies in Dwarvish.  
  
Legolas sinks to the floor and starts to sob softly.  
  
"I suppose I can live without the arrow," I whisper, my eyes fixed on the Elf's pitiful figure.  
  
"No, I promised you that you would have the damned arrow, and I will accomplish my task," Robin states and flies away.  
  
Oh, man, he can be so stubborn! No matter what I say now, he will not stop till I get the item for my collection. But, while I stay here and look at the miserable Prince of Mirkwood crying for his lover, I can do nothing but feel like shit. I lost my interest in his arrows and bow long time ago. It's been a week since their arrival and they have fought over the same thing each day, and I have watched every fight.  
  
Every time ends the same, Gimli retreats and Legolas cries for hours, then waits some time until he can place on his cold façade again and returns to his companions. But I have seen him, his heart broken, his eyes red and his pale face stained with tears. It makes me feel so guilty and selfish.  
  
Before I notice it, I float down, trying not to make noise. It pains me even more now that I can look at him closer.  
  
His chest heaves fast, while he tries unsuccessfully to restrain his sobs. He hides his face with his palms and soft whimpers leaves his lips.  
  
I can't take it anymore, I let my invisible disguise fell and kneel at his side. "Do not cry, please."  
  
Legolas jumps in surprise and looks at me. He blinks several times, his tears ceases to run. "Who? Where? How?" He shoots the questions in a second.  
  
"My name is Kat, I was hiding behind those bushes and I came walking over when I saw you were crying." Not a clever answer, but when I am under pressure my tongue can barely connect with my brain.  
  
"You were spying on us. me," he is not sure if I saw the entire scene.  
  
"I was not spying, but could not help but notice you were arguing with one of your companions."  
  
"Did you hear all?" He is growing mad, I can hear it in his voice and see it on his face.  
  
I am such a bad liar, that is why I let Robin give the explanations all the time, though Robin is nowhere to be found so. "Well, I heard a good amount of your conversation, but don't worry, my lips are sealed, I won't tell."  
  
"You surely will not, because if you do, I will make another mouth across your throat with my knives." In a split second he snatches out one of his hunter knives and puts the blade against my neck.  
  
Now I can see why the Elves from Mirkwood are not usually befriended by the Elves from other realms. The Hell if I have ever seen an Elf look so mad! His blue eyes are wide in anger and I swear he grew fangs, though the latter could be just illusion due to the fear that is nested in my guts. I am sure Legolas' face could make Sauron himself run away.  
  
Suddenly, he takes the knife away and recoils looking at me with no hint of his previous anger, he is utterly surprised.  
  
I blink puzzled and belated remember that my wings are visible. Oops, I forgot to make them disappear.  
  
"What are you?" he screams, and I see his face's color drain.  
  
"I am a Fairy."  
  
"Fairies do not exist, they are myth. You must be a foul spirit, trying to snare my mind."  
  
Suspicious and superstitious creatures, these Moriquendi Elves. I roll my eyes and sit in front of him. "Well, I am not a myth, mind you. And I am not a foul spirit, but call me foul again and you will discover how unpleasant I can be."  
  
"What do you want?" His voice is uneasy, and he avoids direct eye contact.  
  
"I want you to understand that you are making such a big mistake in arguing with Gimli."  
  
"That is none of your concern," he angrily says, though he still tries to look away from my eyes.  
  
"Well, maybe not, but it hurts me to see how somebody waste a chance for real love just because jealousy blinds him."  
  
"I know Gimli loves Lady Galadriel, he looks at her with adoration painted all over his face."  
  
"You said it, adoration. Love is much more than just admiration, it is commitment and comprehension. Besides, even if he does, he has not chance. Lady Galadriel is already taken."  
  
"I know that, but it still hurts to see him looking at her as he does. I wish I could make him be as jealous as I am, but I just cannot, even when one of the Galadrim has been chasing me since I came to this realm."  
  
"Oh, indeed? Let me guess, Haldir?"  
  
"No, it is not Haldir. His name is quite peculiar, I never met an Elf with the name of a bird."  
  
"Robin!"  
  
"Aye, that is his name."  
  
I feel my blood boiling. What is he playing at? I tolerate his infidelity with Haldir, Rumil and Orophin. But Legolas is obviously taken. After all the signs he has given to me, I thought that he felt our relationship was special; but he has been trying to seduce Legolas.  
  
"What happened to you? You suddenly livid," Legolas asks.  
  
"Oh, nothing, I feel the urge to kill a disloyal Fairy called Robin all of a sudden."  
  
"Robin is a Fairy?"  
  
"Until now he was, but I swear I will rip his wings from his treacherous body once I find him."  
  
"Now, you were the one trying to lecture me about jealousy and I can see clearly that you are jealous, too," Legolas says, obviously amused.  
  
"It's different," I say through clenched teeth.  
  
"No it is not,"  
  
"Oh, yes, it is," I glare daggers at him.  
  
"No, it is not," he replies, smiling widely at me.  
  
"It is," I push him.  
  
"It is not," he pushes me quite hard and sends me to the floor on my back.  
  
Though I grab him while I fall and we both end in a very compromising pose. He atop me, his knees at my sides, and his face just an inch from mine.  
  
"See what you did?" I look at him, Goddess, never seen eyes so blue.  
  
"Oh, yes, I see it. But this gives me an idea. If Gimli is betraying me with a female, I could do nothing but reciprocate his behavior likewise."  
  
I am about to say something regarding his last words when he silences me with a passionate kiss. Goddess, he kisses good! While my mind is crying that this is not right, my disloyal body totally disagrees and screams for more. Shortly I find myself naked, under an equally unclothed and very horny Elf, and the Hell if I'm complaining. I don't know if he fancies males more than females, but at the moment he is not demonstrating it in the least. All I manage to do is moan and cry while he plunges inside me with ferocity. The vision of Legolas, atop me, flushed, sweating and obviously enjoying himself is more than I can take and in seconds I just let the pleasure fill me entirely, and carry me away in completion. I hear Legolas' sounds of release and he pulls out from me and collapses at my side.  
  
"Wow, Legolas, that was." I whisper after some minutes.  
  
"Yes, it was. oh my, I never expected it would feel so good. Just now I realized why males mate with females."  
  
I gasp, what did he exactly mean with that? "You never were with a female before?"  
  
"Nay, I have always been on the receiving side, if you know what I mean."  
  
"Goddess! I didn't know. But. but. why you didn't tell me?"  
  
"I did not know it was important. Is it?"  
  
"Uh, well, I suppose. It is not important for you?"  
  
"Yes and no. I do not mind experimenting like this at last, but you helped me to clear my mind."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"No offense intended, but I prefer to stay on the receiving side."  
  
"Don't worry, I understand you pretty well."  
  
"Besides, I can see why Gimli looks at Lady Galadriel with devotion. After all, I felt desire for you, a female. You look so incredibly tempting."  
  
"Thank you, that is the most beautiful compliment I have ever heard."  
  
"It is not a compliment, it is the bare truth. Now I know that he loves me dearly, because we are just the same, two males, two warriors, no female will ever come close to understand us as Gimli and I understand each other. He could admire Lady Galadriel's attributes, but his heart is mine."  
  
"That makes sense," I tremble, now that the heat is diminishing I feel the absence of clothes. Slowly I start to dress, while Legolas does the same. As we stand up from the ground I see him. Man, he made love to me, yikes!  
  
"I am going to the city and will settle a truce with my beloved one. I fully recommend you do the same with Robin. I mean, you two are even, now that we."  
  
"Don't say it, better let this remain unspoken." I say, if Robin realizes what has happened, he will go nuts.  
  
"As you wish. But, how can I compensate you?"  
  
"Oh, well, now that you mention it."  
  
*****  
  
"How did you manage to obtain this? I mean, not only the arrows and the bow, but the quiver too?" Robin looks at me, his eyebrows forked in suspicion.  
  
"And he was going to give me his hunting knives, but I didn't want to leave him unarmed."  
  
"Confess, Kat, did you give him your virtue? Because that is the only deal I will go into to let a woman take my bow." Haldir raised his eyebrow questioningly.  
  
"I am not telling, that's top secret. Besides, my virtue was long ago lost, thank the Goddess."  
  
"I guess you gave him a kiss, nothing could be so sweet as a kiss from a Fairy," Orophin sighs and gives Robin a meaningful look.  
  
"Really, brother, sometimes you are too naïve for your own good!" Rumil shakes his head.  
  
"If you want to know, I just helped him to resolve a certain dilemma." That's it, I am not telling lies, just reserving some details for myself.  
  
"I assume you are going to go now," Haldir says, nonchalantly.  
  
"Well, yes, we don't want to stay more than necessary." Robin looks totally displeased, I imagine he wanted to stay some weeks more.  
  
"Pity, Kat was doing it fine with archery, needed some more classes." Rumil looks significantly at Haldir's butt.  
  
We laugh at Haldir's expense and it feels so right.  
  
*****  
  
I look with pride at my new acquisitions, I could look at them for hours. I take my bow and try to tense the string, damn, I can't pull it a single inch. So, Legolas' arms have to be strong. what I am thinking? Of course they are strong! "There is not a weak part on his body." Oops, did I say that aloud.  
  
"What did you say?"  
  
"Err. nothing."  
  
"Explain to me again how you got these things from Legolas?"  
  
Uh-oh, I'm in trouble, I am bad liar, but I'm worse when I try to deceive the King of Deceivers, a.k.a. Robin GoodFellow.  
  
"Well. uh." Brilliant, Kat. I can feel my face burning.  
  
"Seems I will need to use some persuasion." He jumps forward and drags me to my bed, before I notice he has me laying on my stomach, tied to the bed, my butt naked as the day I born. "Do you prefer the leather belt, or is it be only to be my hand."  
  
"Could it be your hand?" I venture, though I know very well his answer.  
  
"Nah, I will use the belt. Brace yourself, babe, I will try not to hurt you. much."  
  
"Help, there is a crazy sadist Fairy in my room!" I scream like mad. who am I trying to fool? I love it when he does this to me!  
  
THE END 


End file.
